I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
