I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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