I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
