tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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