I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
