i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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