with your own penis?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
