he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
