lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
