I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The best revenge is premature balding
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
