I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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