I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
