Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
