Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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