so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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