I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
