a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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