Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
