So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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