I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
