Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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