Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
