my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
