whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
