are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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