Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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