whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
