How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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