i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
