i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How does it feel to date your dad?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
