Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
