my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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