I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
