I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
