I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
