The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
