I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
