i don't like sucking hair
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
