cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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