My room smells like vodka and shame
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
