bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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