Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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