Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My Sexting was not on an AP level
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
