i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
