theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
