I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
