you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
