Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
