Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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