I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
